Red Caps

Not as such a movie review, more an opinion post. In fact this'll be the first opinion post on here since I started it. And since my title does say reviews and opinions i should really put one up. This post is a review on shit films and they're titles, specifically red cap films.

By red cap films I mean any movie who's title is emblazoned across the posters in simple arial font, all in caps and coloured red, occasionally in a 3d effect, but more than usually not. There's a whole host of these films coming out, multiples of the bastards every year. Most of the time they include at least one member of the American 'frat pack' (Adam Sandler, Owen Wilson, Vince Vaughn, Ben Stiller et. al), or as I like to call them, the one trick ponies. This constant shlock of crass, childish humour erupts into our cinemas, sucked up by idiots in their hundreds of thousands who seem to believe these are good, funny films. Not to say crude humour can't be good, but it depends how you wield it. Having somebodies severed foreskin fall into somebodies soup for example, isn't particularly funny. Whereas in Peter Greenaway's 'The Cook, the Thief, His Wife and Her Lover', Michael Gambon's character is so rude and disgusting, but it's executed perfectly, making it much funnier than Adam Sandler getting kicked in the nuts by a dwarf, or whatever.

American Pie. when that film came out I loved it, thought it was brilliant. But in the years that followed I found the jokes less and less funny, although it could still be said to be a measure post of how to make a funny red cap film, it's much better than most of the stuff that has come out following in recent years. It's a shame they spoilt it with sequel after sequel, spin off after spin off. The jokes were rude, the situations were ridiculous, but there was an underlying reason as to why it was funny. These were kids soon to graduate wanting to get their rocks off, and although arguably a bit too old to just be discovering sex as the film portrays, there was a basis. In the films of new; Big Daddy, Anger Management, Chuck and Larry blah blah blah it's just rude for the hell of it. As soon as it nears summer these filmed are crapped all over the television, internet etc. Usually with Adam Sandler on the front, playing the repetitive likable but flawed goon, Will Ferrel playing one of his million identical different characters, Ben Stiller attempting an almost Graham Chapman feeling of seriousness despite the surrounding situation (albeit badly), Vince Vaughn generally being an arse and Owen Wilson playing the simpering, nice and somewhat camp, Texan.

Blurgh, I don't want to see these characters doing the same old same old, over and over again in different films, in fact I don't want to see them at all. I don't agree with pirating films, it destroys diversity in films. But if there were any films that should only be sold as pirated copies it would be these red caps, just so the actors would get sweet f.a. and hopefully fuck off into the night. Attached to this post there is a list of some red cap films. Most of you out there would argue with me and say they were genuinely funny films and that I'm a bloated twat with illusions that I know what's best. The latter may be true, but. These. Aren't. Funny.

Also note I'm not singling out these films alone, there's too many out there for me to stick on this list. Also some of the frat pack et. al have gone without a full red cap title for their films, 50 First Dates as an example. Don't fall for it, they're the same as all the others, shit.

silver screen

a long long loooong time ago i came back from the cinema fuming at all the idiots sharing the room with me. i'm not sure why i even go to cinemas, i tend to spend more time thinking about how to seriously hurt somebody using the snacks i've bought (straw rammed down the ear, popcorn forced into their eyeballs etc.) then concentrating on the film. in one case telling a 6 1/2 foot monkey to shut up during children of men which nearly got me going home folded up in the cars glove box. anyway after seeing whatever film it was i went home and wrote these silver screen rules out.

1. if you feel the need to eat sweets during a film, don't bring single wrapped sweets or anything in a plastic packet. you might not find the noise irritating, but the 6 or so surrounding seats will

2. don't bring your children, they won't be interested and will just irritate everyone else

3. seats = sitting, not kicking

4. if you really aren't enjoying the film and are waiting for the credits to start rolling so you can loudly declare 'this is the biggest waste of my money', don't. simply get up and walk out. people will love you more.

5. everyone hates a fidigter, just don't. sit on your hands if you have too. hell eat them for all i care. just. don't. move.

6. there's nearly half an hour of trailers for shampoo and cars before the start of the film, can't you turn your mobile off then?

7. don't talk, just shut up. if you really need to talk, why come to the cinema? (trailers excluded, jabber away all you want)

8. you might think the comments you snigger away to your friends during the film make you clever, insightful and witty, really you're just a loud mouth berk.

9. when getting into the cinema late be concious of other around you. or, to be less of an irritation, get there on time.

10. if you've solved the plot of think you've alraedy got the films twist, keep it to yourself. your friends won't like you more for telling them, quite the opposite. instead allow yourself a self-satisfied smile if you're right. smiles don't make noise

and as a bit of self-whoring, here's an image i shopped up from scratch to do with the rules. better quality image can be found on my sister site here.

ha, i lied. actually it's here

HSA loony

another advert, another insane women. this time it's HSA's turn to mock the mental stability of the female gender. advert plot: women sitting in her car with husband and children, wondering about their health problems, now and in the future. each time she makes a comment about a family member and their well being her little sock puppet pops up and talks to her saying, 'hey, just say'. clearly a sign of insanity. she's oblivious to the fact it's her SODDING HAND that's talking to her, it's all perfectly normal. maybe you should add 'psychiatric wellbeing' to your list of health problems me dear.

the rise of mentaly unbalanced women in adverts can mean only one of a few things. 1) there's a lot of mysoginistic men out there in advertising land. 2) this is revenge for the 'men are all cocks' campaign that's been going on in the last year or two (see charlie brooker for more details). or 3), women are really all insane and adverts are starting to admit this.