how tv works

DEVELOPMENT HEAD: Right, we need a new prime time TV show since X Factor's finished. Anybody got any ideas?

DEVELOPMENT URCHIN: I've got one for you boss.

HEAD: Alright then, lets lay the sandwich and see if the snake bites (or whatever fucking bollocks business types use instead of real English nowadays).

URCHIN: Right its basis is around parents' whose children have recently died. We get them to perform poems and memorandums that they've written for their dead kids in front of an audience. Obviously we'd have the sob story before each contestant, how the kids died, lots of piano music, teary close ups, that sort of thing.

HEAD: This is sounding a bit.....

URCHIN: Ah ha, that's not all though. During the parents 'act' on stage the audience can buzz them off if they think it's crap, based on a majority vote. The parent with the best performance gets through to the next round. This way there's an element of competition, the public always loves that, it gives them a chance to pick their favourite griever. Eventually the winner gets a publishing contract, maybe even a film based on their child's death, if we can swing it with the Film 4 that is. They'll do any old shit.

HEAD: That sounds horrible, we can't do that!

URCHIN: But....

HEAD: No.

URCHIN: Wha-

HEAD: No, and that's final.

URCHIN:..................................

HEAD:..................................

URCHIN:......................

HEAD:......................

URCHIN:...........

HEAD:...........

URCHIN: What if we get Simon Cowell to be a judge that calls the contestants cunts?

HEAD: ..........Simon Cowell you say?

URCHIN: *grinning* Yep.

HEAD:................
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I love it!




I give it three years....

things to smoke too

An interesting title I admit, for something that probably only me finds interesting. There are some programs/films out there you can't help but light up whilst watching, normally because the characters themselves are puffing away scene after scene. I suppose if you want to get arsey about modern day television you could go on and on about this being a hypodermic model, that us bloated saggy proles sit and stare into the TV and do whatever it commands. Therefore, they smoke, we smoke. Monkey see, monkey do. But really it's because when you're a smoker you can't help but light up when someone else does, it's the sense of camaraderie. I doubt anybody picked up the habit of smoking after watching Robert Webb cough up phlegm then sickly swallow it back down in The Smoking Room. Anyways, my list so far is:

1. The Smoking Room: Self explanatory really, every character has a ciggy on the go, sucking away and discussing....chit chat. If you got the dvd thats 4 hours of people smoking practically non-stop. You find you probably smoke more whilst watching this show then you would normally.

2. Ideal: Pretty much same again. Although it's mainly weed smoked in this comedy, cigarettes are always a good alternative. Besides which smoking weed whilst watching Ideal would probably be a very bad idea, it's spaced out and odd enough without dope screwing your head up.

3. Betty Blue: Fuck me! How many fags did they get through in this film? The actors must of had emphysema's by the end. Every scene has someone, usually both the central characters, enjoying a smoke. It seems that everyone in France is quite willing to die young to look artistic.

4. Angel-a: Smoking, it does seem to be a French thing, perhaps a throwback from their stunning film noir era. Angela is always striking up in this film by famous French director Luc Besson. Mind you why not, she can't die after all.

5. Human Traffic - Along with casual references to hardcore drugs, sex and many many hip cool phrases, it's full of smoking. All of the main characters are smokers, with Danny Dyer being the most extreme one, puffing away in taxis, the bogs or whilst having a wank. In fact it's not just the main characters, everyone in the background is smoking like buggery too, count the number of ciggy boxes if you can. The only problem I have with this film is pure envy, they're all sitting in a pub smoking. It's been so long it feels like we never were allowed to do so.