silver screen

a long long loooong time ago i came back from the cinema fuming at all the idiots sharing the room with me. i'm not sure why i even go to cinemas, i tend to spend more time thinking about how to seriously hurt somebody using the snacks i've bought (straw rammed down the ear, popcorn forced into their eyeballs etc.) then concentrating on the film. in one case telling a 6 1/2 foot monkey to shut up during children of men which nearly got me going home folded up in the cars glove box. anyway after seeing whatever film it was i went home and wrote these silver screen rules out.

1. if you feel the need to eat sweets during a film, don't bring single wrapped sweets or anything in a plastic packet. you might not find the noise irritating, but the 6 or so surrounding seats will

2. don't bring your children, they won't be interested and will just irritate everyone else

3. seats = sitting, not kicking

4. if you really aren't enjoying the film and are waiting for the credits to start rolling so you can loudly declare 'this is the biggest waste of my money', don't. simply get up and walk out. people will love you more.

5. everyone hates a fidigter, just don't. sit on your hands if you have too. hell eat them for all i care. just. don't. move.

6. there's nearly half an hour of trailers for shampoo and cars before the start of the film, can't you turn your mobile off then?

7. don't talk, just shut up. if you really need to talk, why come to the cinema? (trailers excluded, jabber away all you want)

8. you might think the comments you snigger away to your friends during the film make you clever, insightful and witty, really you're just a loud mouth berk.

9. when getting into the cinema late be concious of other around you. or, to be less of an irritation, get there on time.

10. if you've solved the plot of think you've alraedy got the films twist, keep it to yourself. your friends won't like you more for telling them, quite the opposite. instead allow yourself a self-satisfied smile if you're right. smiles don't make noise

and as a bit of self-whoring, here's an image i shopped up from scratch to do with the rules. better quality image can be found on my sister site here.

ha, i lied. actually it's here